My State of Mind & Some Tips
I went on sick leave (unpaid – the cost of cancer is another story to be told at a later date) a week or two later, I was in this very strange limbo between shock, hyper-reality, fear, and out-of-body surreal other world stuff. I wanted to spend time with my loved ones, family, and friends, behave like I was ok, and have fun before facing my fate on the day of my surgery.
It was only when I spoke to a friend, who is a doctor, did it dawn on me that I was facing a mastectomy.
Tip number 2* I was not mentally ready for my surgery – I couldn’t imagine or accept what was to be done to my body – why take my breast away? – it felt like an amputation to be honest. I loved my boobs, all my clothes either blatantly or subtly accentuated my breasts and cleavage. Looking back, I had a lovely shape and a fine body. I was an hourglass and was C or D cup.
What happened next is a long and detailed experience that I won’t go into now or here except to say, that, nearly 3 years on, I am here, my hair grew back (curly chemo curls) I am cancer free as far as we know, I survived the surgery and the chemotherapy that nearly killed me and am tolerating my ongoing hormone treatment.
Like many women, my cancer feeds on the very hormone that makes me a woman. Oestrogen-positive cancer is treated for 5 to 10 years, with side effects of endocrine therapy including hot flushes, joint stiffness, and osteoporosis. Tamoxifen blocks estrogen from connecting to the cancer cells and telling them to grow and divide.
To date, I await an appointment with a plastic surgeon to plan my breast reconstruction, I deal with numerous long-term treatment side effects, but that’s ok. I have been thrown into Medical Menopause and do not recognize the grey haired, apple shaped, large woman, I see in the mirror these days. Whilst I have grown to like her, I want my body back, that topic too is for another day.
I read on the internet of another woman who was in denial and in a quiet panic as I was, and her tip (my tip #3), was to ask to be sedated before you go into theatre.
One of the best tips I discovered, otherwise I really believe I may not have gone through with it.
I quit smoking in stages, but quite quickly in hindsight because now was my chance and I didn’t want to be a smoker in my 50’s and I didn’t want to be the cancer patient who was having the fag outside the hospital. I wouldn’t dream of criticizing or judging anyone who does that, I get it, I really do.
Addictions are crutches, habits, and stress relievers. We all do what we have to do to deal with stuff. I just wanted to take the opportunity and motivation and leave that behind me. Also, I knew that my wound was going to be significant and smoking would make my healing process more difficult and more drawn out.
-Jennifer O'Connell
